Happy B-day Seestor!

I won't say which birthday it is.
She would be pissed and it would date me anyway.
We're both getting middle aged. (And by middle aged, I don't mean middle aged. People in our family don't live to be 82.... oops. So, realistically, she and I are about two thirds of the way through...if we're lucky and/or don't jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.)

Ask any of our friends, colleagues, or family members and I challenge you to find one that will call either of us "grown-ups"!

We're that rare breed that retains the enthusiasm and doe-eyed wonderment of youth.
(And the immaturity and carelessness with money and possessions of a five year old.)

Bitch got a new IPhone BTW!
I just sent her some shit to deal with liver spots and such, like she did for me last year.
She didn't even appriecate that. Ho didn't even call me to tell me she got her card.
Like it's her Birthday and she has this entitlement to be a complete asshole.

Anyhoo, Happy Birthday Michelle!

Day 9 & 10- Time to go home!

Travel days.

We stopped for lunch on the way out of town at a place I can't remember the name of.
Very unfortunate cos they had the best salsa verde ever! This is salsa verde you would steal money from your Granny to get!
Fuck. What did they put in that shit!

Got up the road a piece and ended up in Beaver, UT.
Home of the Beaver Beavers. Ha, ha. Seriously. They were the Beaver Beavers.
What else would they be!?

We stayed at the Comfort Inn.
DQ was just across the Highway so we went over and me and Spanky halved a swiss mushroom burger and a cookie dough blizzard. Bruce had a fancy banana split.

On to the airport the next day and turned in the Mighty Dusty Suzuki.

Had some drinks and wings at the airport and watched soccer.

Soccer!? How gay, right? Europeans and their wussy football.

I like the shoes but that's where it stops. I want to see blood or I'm just not interested.

Was looking so forward to nice, cool Seattle after a week in ninty plus heat.

Psych! 91 degrees at SeaTac.

Mutherfucker!

Day 7 & 8- Return to Zion

So we decided to cut ourselves a break and head towards the land of road signs and marked trailheads.
Zion National Park.
Downside: People, and lots of them.
Upside: Knowing where you are at all times without the assistance of orbiting satellites.

First day, we tried the bottom up side of the famous Zion Narrows. Us and about a thousand other people.


Fortunately, the farther you went, more of the herd fell behind. The only notables we couldn't shake were the Boy Scouts and a band of frat boys that really liked to whoop.
Can't recommend this hike enough. Crazy spectacular. And you could take a dip in the river anytime so you never got too hot.

Next day, we really lost the masses by trying a long high elevation hike. Observation Point takes you four miles in and 2500 feet above the Virgin river. Pretty spectacular. And it was fun to watch those less acclimated pant up the path. I love watching other people suffer. It's the only time I pipe up and annoyingly tell people to "Have a nice day!"
Bwahahaha!

Day 5 & 6- I hope pain is something you enjoy.

The warm up is over. Time for the real backpacking!

After MUCH discussion, we finally decided on Hackberry Canyon as our backcountry experience.

You'd think I'd have been put on notice when, once again, we needed GPS just to find the trailhead.
Ever optimistic (ask anyone, I'm prone to optimism) I followed the boys blindly into the canyon.
The absence of water where there was supposed to be water was a slight concern. But we soon met a stoned ranger who assured us that there were some seeps a little ways, I mean quite a ways, actually, but not too far up the canyon.
Ok.

After the ranger came the horseflies. Soon we all looked like Pigpen with our very own swarm that followed us everywhere we walked. About four miles in, we found a spot the flies didn't seem to like and stopped immediately.

We made a fire to deter the knats. Didn't work.
Then we made dinner. Freeze dried meals. Steve liked his. Bruce and I had to bury ours.
And then suddenly and unexpectedly, the stream just dried up.
100 degrees and no water. Surely it would come back tomorrow. Right.
Mercifully, it did. We did a hike further up in the canyon so we could say we'd seen something and then got the hell out of there!

Day 4- You thought your ass was lost before!?

It's going to sound like I'm bitching but I'm not bitching.

Holy hell!

Escalante is not exactly tourist friendly. You've got to be at least moderately hardcore and prepared for disappointment by the spoonfull. It is the definition of "out in the middle of fucking nowhere!"
We decided to go to the most popular slot canyon hikes (Peek-a-Boo) out on the most popular road (Hole in the Rock) on Tuesday. About twenty miles in, we encountered about twenty-five yards of loose, rutted chalk in the road. The mighty Suzuki balked.
We could go no further.

Backup plan.
Devils Garden.

Pretty cool... and well marked!

Next we decided to try to find Zebra and Tunnel. Two more slightly obscure slot canyons. Not marked. Navigation skills required.

Four hours and one slot canyon later, we make it back to the mighty Suzuki panting, "water, water, water..."

This is a thirst only Tequila could quench.

Sadly, some swine had stolen our limes we left on the table while we were gone!
I suspected an inside job but could illicit no confession.
We pressed on... as all soldiers must.
We tried a blind taste test between Patron and Don Julio.
Out of three tries, Spanky got three out of three right and me and Bruce got three out of three wrong. So there is a difference, and one out of three people can tell what it is!

Day 3- Lower Calf Creek Falls

This trail is ridiculously well marked so no worries.

It's three miles but flat, flat, and more flat.

Steve acted as tour guide for the hike. He picked up one the self guided tour pamphlets and read the provided passages at the appropriate times.
Ha, ha! How gay!
Actually it was pretty fucking interesting.
You could see ancient pictographs and graineries from the trail.
The Fremont people made these little rooms high up in the canyons to store seeds.
And I mean way the fuck up in the canyon.

Picture this shit 1000 feet from the canyon floor with no obvious way to get to it.
WTF?!

We were industrious this time and carried a cooler with beer and wine. Had the falls to ourselves for the most part.


Again, water was freaking cold. So not much swimming as dipping.

Interlude

I wish I could have a career in blogging.

I started with a winter beet salad with wild field greens, toasted hazelnuts, and blue cheese served with a voigner and have since moved on to chocolate lovers cake and a nice claret.

Keep on your toes for grammatical errors.

Day 2- The Search for Upper Calf Creek

It's gonna sound like I'm bitching but I'm not bitching.
I don't read maps, I have no sense of direction, and I can't figure out GPS stuff.
Well, I could but I'm too fucking lazy.
So I just follow.
And on this day, I did a bunch of following.... mostly the wrong way.
We walked all over everywhere for five hours looking for Upper Calf Creek falls in 100 degree heat so's we could go swimming. This was supposed to be an easy day cos we had been traveling and drinking the previous day. One and a half miles. Easy.
If, and only if, you leave from the appropriate trail head. We did not. We stopped at the trail head to nowhere. And nowhere is where we ended up....for five hours.
After finally admitting defeat and moving on... a mile down the road, we finally found the marked trail head.

Twenty minutes later we are splashing around in the pool beneath Upper Calf Creek.

Oh well, adversity makes the reward all the more satisfying.
Right?

Utah Vacation- Day 1

I had a reasonable 8:30 direct flight from Seattle to Salt Lake. The boys left at 5:15, which means we all had to get up at 3 and head to the airport. Thank you Jesus, the airport Starbucks is open 24/7.

Even though they left so goddamn early, we all got there the same time and picked up the mighty Suzuki and headed out.
I managed to talk them into lunch at Cracker Barrel. I freaking love Cracker Barrel! It's exactly the food my Mom makes. You'd think I'd be tired of it cos it's really nothing but fried meat and gravy but I still love it.
It was the first time Spanky had ever had turnip greens. He said he liked them. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It is flavored with bacon. What's not to like?

The drive to Escalante took about 5 hours and it was really stunning once we got close.
Got to the campground. It was a resevoir with petrified wood and fish. Lots of families there to camp and fish. We just drank. I had a bottle of Patron, Steve had Tres Generations, and Bruce brought Don Julio. We sampled each.

Sigh.

Sigh.

Why do I do this to myself? It reminds me of all those times I waited until the night before to start an English paper.... a ten page English paper.
Where to start?