My Year... coming to an end

"People born in the Year of the Pig are chivalrous and gallant. Whatever they do, they do with all their strength. For Boar Year people, there is no left or right and there is no retreat. They have tremendous fortitude and great honesty. They don't make many friends but anyone having a Boar Year friend is fortunate for they are extremely loyal. They have a great thirst for knowledge. They study a great deal and are generally well informed. Boar people are quick tempered, yet they hate arguments and quarreling. They are kind to their loved ones. No matter how bad problems seem to be, Boar people try to work them out, honestly if sometimes impulsively."

It has been the Year of the Boar and one week from today, that will be over.
I won't have another year that's all mine until I'm 48!
I have to say, it's been a good year. Nothing too exciting but nothing to complain about either (if you keep your expectations low, like I do, just the fact that noone died or went to jail qualifies as a decent year.)
Some of my friends have had a challanging year, which is unfortunate; but I, me, Dana had things pretty good.

But, like I said, that's quickly coming to an abrupt end! Now I'm having anxiety. The other shoe is about to drop. It's going to be the Year of the Rat!
That doesn't sound good. William Shakespeare was born in the year of the Rat but I can't really say that bodes well.

"A tale that begins with a rat, will end with the devil.."

Birthday Week 2008- Part 1

It's my birthday week, people. It started last night!
Josh, Shelly, Steve, and Bruce took my sorry ass out to Icon Grill.
Tres fancy.
They even served uber fancy Chicken Fried Steak. That's what Shelly and Steve ordered. I didn't say anything at the time but the Southerner in me was appalled at the idea of basil on Chicken Fried Steak. I didn't even want to read what was in their Fried Chicken. Probably something heinous like fennel or dill.
The Humanity!

I had Seafood Linguini and it was fabu. Tons of shrimp and scallops.
And a ginormous piece of Chocolate Cake- as you may know, my favorite thing ever.
The cake comes with a bottle of milk. Nice touch.

For a reason not revealed to us, the Manager bought us a round of drinks!?
Theories:
1- The waitress brought Shelly and Bruce Mac & Jacks instead of Mannie's. Bruce and Shelly were fine with that but...
2- S/he found out it was my birthday (unlikely.)
3- I was wearing one of my favorite rockstar t-shirts. You know, the black one with the disco silver writing that says "rockstar". It's supercool so maybe that was the reason.

Maybe it's a combination. Who knows?

I guess that makes it alright

Well, Spanks was out of town visiting his folks this weekend so the usual Saturday night trip to Steven's was out of the question.

If we would have gone, though, it would have been epic since it basically snowed all day and all night.
Theoretically, of course, Sue, Shelly, Josh and I could have gone if we were so inclined and it probably been a fun, mellow (way mellow since Sue and I would have been recovering from a Chapel hangover) pow pow evening at the pass.

Instead of all that trouble however, we just dressed up in our gear and went to a bar that looks remarkably similar to the Bull's Tooth and watched the X games.

I'm kind of glad we didn't go though cos I would have done something stupid like accidentally change the combo on my lock and have to wait a half and hour to get someone to cut my board loose. Then I'd have to buy another fucking lock. That would suck.

The Chapel 1/25/07

It started out innocently enough.
Just a couple of girls meeting for some martinis.
And it was going smoothly.
Sue, Casey, and I sipping and noshing and chatting.
It was the first time I had met Sue's friend Casey and she was supercool.

I had two Sacred Truth martinis and was thinking of calling it a night.

Then H. and Row showed up.
Fucking Europeans.

Two more Sacred Truths and I was hammered. I think everyone else was too but I can't really be sure cos like I said, I was fucking hammered. Jesus.

We got obnoxious and loud. Which is ok at the Chapel but when we started breaking into song and arm wrestling, we started getting some looks.

At some point a drunken group decision was made that we had had enough and perhaps we should go somewhere and sober up. Rosebud was too crowded so we stumbled (some more that others) up to Bimbo's Bitchin Burrito Kitchen and had some nachos and quesidillas. We ordered everything with meat on it which Casey, a vegetarian, probably did not find amusing. But you know, we were drunk and drunk people are the worst of the worst.

On the way back to our respective vehicles which none of us had any business operating, the MOST AMAZING THING HAPPENED!

I saw Chris "The Crippler" Leben live and in person right in front of me. You'll have to take my word for it, of course, cos (as I may have mentioned) I was drunk and couldn't get my shit together to take his fucking picture! So instead I hugged him and told him I loved him (which I don't) and I wished him luck in his next fight and stumbled away.

Sad. Really sad.

Eli, Eli, Eli....

He may be going to the SuperBowl but he's no Peyton.
Regardless, I wish him well against Tom "I can't seem to get this idiotic smile off my face" Brady and the fucking Patriots.

Last Sunday, Steve, Shelly, and I went over to the Commish's pad to watch the Conference playoffs. Predictably, the Patriots squashed the Chargers and thus their disgusting run continues.

We made fajitas during the break (amazing we had an appetite after San Diego's pathetic display.) We were very efficient as a group. Had it made and eaten by the time Ice Bowl II started. And it was a fantastic game. For reasons none of us could explain (except maybe Bruce, being a Bears fan) we were all cheering for New York. (Maybe cos Green Bay bitch-slapped the Hawks a week ago, then threw snowballs at each other and laughed like a bunch of assholes. Maybe that had something to to with it. I don't know.)

Anyway. The Giants get another crack at the Pat's and Tom "I have a special razor that keeps my beard looking like I just forgot to shave this morning cos I'm too busy fucking my supermodel girlfriends" Brady. And we'll be there to see it.

Tell me if you've heard this one...

I know, I know; you're sick and tired of Saturday night at Steven's stories.
Well, you can go fuck yourself.

Slight line-up change on this one.
Sue didn't make the bus cos she had a bit of a cold...... so she went to her ski conditioning class.
Just so we're clear. She was supposedly too ill to go skiing. So instead, she goes to an exercise class designed to prepare you for skiing.
People. They're the worst.

Shelly, Bruce, Steve and I head up noonish. By the time we hit Monroe, it is balls out snowing!
Me: Yah! This is going to be great!
Steve (the driver): This sucks. Does it seem as if we are going sideways? (As we are indeed going sideways into the railing.)

We made it unharmed, physically. But Steve was in need of a drink.


Hot knife going through butter.
That's what is was like... the whole night.
I was not a menace on this night. It was swish swish jump jump swish. Repeat.
I don't mean to rub it in (Gina) but was very nice, no?

Stopped briefly for pizza and Patron.

Steve beat me down at 9:59 and got in line for the very last lift! The attendant tried to wave me off waving a closed sign but I blew right by like I don't speak or read English and got on anyway.
Nice try Spanky.

The Garage

Spanky did alot of racking Thursday night....mostly cos he kept scratching on the eight ball. But hey, it's still a loss. Doesn't matter how many balls I have on the table.

Hadn't been to The Garage in a while. Hadn't played pool in a long while.
I had some beginners luck. I'll blame the rest on Gin & Tonics cos it just can't be that I suck.

Steve improves at bowling and billiards the more Mirror Pond he has. I wonder if a couple of pints before Zebra to Zion are in order? It's a thought.

The 79 Hardest-Boiled Words Ever Written

(According to Esquire.)

"There was a desert wind blowing that night. It was one of those hot, dry Santa Anas that come down through the mountain passes and curl your hair and make your nerves jump and your skin itch. On nights like that every booze party ends in a fight. Meek little wives feel the edge of the carving knife and study their husbands' necks. Anything can happen. You can even get a full glass of beer at a cocktail lounge."

Basic Instructions

I don't know why Steve was compelled to send me this particular cartoon.

Insurance

Last week, the night before we were leaving for Whistler in fact, Stevus calls me in a panic- he had washed his shuffle.
Oddly, it stopped working.
What was he going to do?

Me: "Take it to the Apple store and demand another one, it's still under warranty."
Him: "They'll give me another one? Should I tell them what happened?"
Me: "Fuck No! It doesn't work. That's all they need to know (coma you idiot (Trademark))!"

Well, I'm a neurotic pocket checker (have been ever since I washed my passport- the one with the sweet picture of me where I have a cool bi-level haircut and a neato purple horizontal stripped t-shirt on) so this could never happen to me.

But the incident left me shaken. Surely a fate far worse could befall my shuffle at an even more inopportune moment. What I need is a back up.
I have always coveted the orange shuffle, anyway. Silver is the obvious first choice (orange isn't the new black anymore, after all) but the orange one will be easy to see in desperate moments.

It's on its way now. Apple is shipping my brand new refurbished orange shuffle.
It can't get here a moment too soon!

I'm a disgusting Fatbody!

Nothing will make you feel enormous faster than a bunch of skinney bitches in bikinis invading your hot tub in Whistler while you are doing your imitation of a beached whale.

Nothing will make you feel dainty faster than sitting down in a wheelchair made for an EIGHT HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUND HUMAN BEING!
But the feeling is fleeting so I resolved again to eat better and try to become less of a disgusting fatbody.
So on the way to work Monday, I stopped at the grocery store and got some Lean Cuisines and nuts and bananas. I was set.
Things were going well.
Then fucking Olga gives me a piece of German Chocolate Cake saved from Marc's Birthday.
I was touched that she would think of me and save me a piece so I didn't say anything and just ate it.
Then the hooker starts talking about these cookies she's got and she wants me to try!
For God's Sake woman, can't you see how fucking fat I am already I don't need no goddamn cookies!

But I ate one anyway.

Whistler Round-up

Two mountians.
Four Days.
Three skiers.
Three snowboarders.

One bottle Sapphire.
One bottle Square One.
Three six packs beer.
One Half bottle Patron.
Two bottles wine.

4 bags of chips
2 lbs bacon
1 lb sausage
3 lbs lasagane
3 lbs potpie
1 bag cookies
2 pizzas

Deep powder, tracked powder, packed powder, and groomed powder.

Domino mutherfucker!

Whistler 2008- Part 5

I woke up with an anxiety monster in my stomach. I don't really know why. Guess we had make breakfast and pack up and get our shit together cos it was our last day.
Wah.

We managed it, though. At the gondola by 8:30. Josh went off on his own to do some crazy shit that no one who cares for him should have to watch.
Nathan and Shelly headed off for some green runs on Whistler.
And that left Sue, Steve, Me, and miles of Blackcomb corduroy. It looked perfect- even squeaked when you turned.
Sue eventually ditched Spanky and I for the upper mountain-- skiers.

Sadly, we had to leave our corduroy paradise for the Roundhouse on Whistler for the lunch get together. Unbeknowingst to us, however, lunch had been cancelled by Dr. No due to the impending opening of Symphony Bowl. After realizing we had been ditched, Shelly and Nathan left to gut out a few more runs and me and the Spankster headed for Symphony ourselves after the usual hour long debate.

Symphony bowl is a there and back again adventure for snowboarders since the only entrance and exit is a winding cattrack. Playing dodge a dummy on one edge for a half an hour can make you homicidal.
It was mostly worth it, if for nothing else that we didn't have to wonder.
Managed not to kill anyone on the way back.

My anxiety monster had been for naught. We were headed down safe and sound. I could actually see the bottom. Then Steve ran right through a bungee line at the lift and snapped it and it popped me right in the ass! He had the audacity to blame it on me!

Anyway, easy ride back. I was in the Subaru with Josh and Shelly. Her taste in music is mostly beyond reproach.
Got to stop at DQ for the Swiss Mushroom Melt. Managed to make it through whole weekend without eating one healthy thing.

Decision 2008

Conundrum:
Shelly, Steve, Nathan, and I want to watch the Hawks get their asses handed to them by the Green Bay Packers at 1:30.
Sue does not want to watch the game.
Josh wants to do anything but ski.
Lift tickets are EIGHTY-FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS!

What to do?

Spazella Cousteau has the solution!
Nathan and Shelly are already set up with a half day lesson.
Steve and I use the last Warren Miller voucher and board until 12:30.
Three inches of powder over corduroy. Am I dreaming? We take it as a personal challenge to destroy as much of the run under Solar Coaster as possible in three hours.
Then Sue takes one lift ticket from Steve and sells mine for $50.
She skis and we go watch the game.
Then we order pizza with the $50!
Fuck Yes!

Despite the fantastic conditions, we were all basically trashed after three tough days on a big mountain. Nathan had unwittingly? discovered an amazing restorative conditioning program. Rolling around in snow as long as you can handle it then jumping back in the hot tub. What started out as a drunken challange (Nathan gets giddy on hot Tang) turned into a quadriceps savior. Ice, Heat, Repeat. Ok maybe he didn't discover it but it was an epiphany to some of us. (The "how long can your stupid ass take laying prone in the snow" challange was eventually won, BTW, by the Swede. Big surprise.)

Whistler 2008- Part 3

Friday.
More powder.

Nathan and Shelly go to day 2 of lessons. This means they can hang out in the condo until 9 or so while Sue, Steve, Josh, and I scramble out the door around 8 to try in vain to catch the first lift.

Josh is on his tele gear and the rest of us are still worked from Day 1 so we head to some mellow runs with the occasional terrain park adventure. Josh and I amuse people we don't even know by yardselling over the jumps. I find the easiest rail in existence and style it like I'm Shaun White. Fuck yeah.

Steve and I amuse ourselves and boost our egos by screaming down green runs and making newbies fall down.



Sue found the ultimate lunch spot on the top floor of the Roundhouse by the window.
Sweet. Took a long break before resuming the tedious job of completely destroying all leg muscles.
Sue and I gave up first and headed to the Dubliner. (Actually... I don't know that it's called the Dubliner but the waitresses wear short plaid skirts and they sell Guinness and soda bread so I'm calling it the Dubliner.)


We were eventually joined by Nathan

who was now singing a different tune of torment and suffering after a long day of picking himself up and running into people. To his credit he was still mostly upbeat.

Unlike Shelly

who put on an impressive bear chugging display after regaling us with her own "waist deep in powder" story.



Therapy was only a short jeep ride away.
As were the Marie Calender Pot Pies and more Gin & Tonics.

Whistler 2008- Part 2

Be careful what you ask for....
Never have truer words been spoken.

Day 1 was powder, powder and more powder. Not a stitch of cordouroy in sight.
Powder=fun=hard work.
FUCK!
For those who don't know, you better ask.
Powder for a snowboarder is the best thing since sliced bread right up until the moment that you get your ass stuck in a bowl and have to dig out and post hole up a hill... which Spanky and I did about 3 times each until we gave up and went back to tracked up powder which is less fun but less dangerous. Regardless, everyone was superworked by the end of the day, even the superstar skiiers Sue, Josh, and Shelly.
With the notable excepton of FUCKING NATHAN! who took his first snowboard lesson which Steve and I assured him would be the equivalent of being beaten with lead pipe for 6 hours.

Me: How ya feeling Nathan?
Him: GREAT!
Me: Bullshit.
Him: No. I'm fine. Wonderful, in fact. It was fun. Can't wait until tomorrow.
Me: I fucking hate you.

After corraling me, Steve, and Josh (who, incidently, needs no corraling) for most of the day, Sue managed to get lost herself and missed lunch. Her version of events is much different, of course.

Well, anyway. We all ended up in the hottub waiting for the lasagne to cook. Ate dinner. And hijinks ensued.


Sadly, Patron was NINTY FUCKING DOLLARS in Canada (those poor, poor, people.)
So we had to make do with Gin & Tonics. It was rough but we preserveered.

Played a few rounds of Apples to Apples and went to bed.
And it was still snowing.

Whistler 2008-Part 1

Back in November, I think, Nathan sent out an email about a condo at Whistler he could get for a good price in January and was anyone interested.
I wonder if he has ever gotten so many replies so fast in his life.

The week finally came. Nathan, Steve, Josh, Shelly, Sue and I all headed up on Wednesday.
Nathan, Sue, and Shelly ditched work and headed up early.
Steve, Josh, and I had to stay until the bell and left at five. (How, you are wondering, did I end up in the latter group of people with real jobs? Chuck gave me a serious and meaningful look that morning and asked, "You are setting up tonight before you leave, right?" "Of course!", I answered. Damn.)

Steve and I spent a large portion of the drive wringing our hands over whether we would ski on Saturday or watch the Hawks. Making contigency plans and wondering whether the Hawks could pull it off and how sorry we would be if we missed it.
Arg. That's all I have to say about that.

Got there around ten and the place was sweet! Heated pool and outdoor hotub.

And it was snowing!

Don't hate the player...hate the game

A thousand miles seems pretty far,
But they’ve got planes and trains and cars,
I’d walk to you if I had no other way.

Once again, this time with feeling!

A thousand miles seems pretty far,
But they’ve got planes and trains and cars,
I’d WALK to you if I had no other way!

Better.

I'd like to think that Jeremy took this picture just for me (imitation being the highest form of flattery and what not) but I'm not sure that's the case. He's just that cool all the time. And like me, he loves Photobooth!
That is, when he's not too busy arresting and interogating known terrorists so they can be brought before the man (Hideyo) and properly diciplined.

I don't know how he has the time for it all. SWAT team, fireman, student, thug and rock star.
Amazing.

After the holidays Holiday Party

The gang finally got together for our annual Christmas/New Year's/December Birthdays/January Birthdays Party at Sue's house.

Every year Sue insists that everyone "dress up"!
Every year there are some compliance issues.

I personally haven't changed my definition of "dress up" since age 5!
It simply means my favorite clothes.
Since board shorts and wife beater would have been too cold and snowboard pants too hot, I just settled on my uniform. Black Calvins and black t-shirt.
Others made a better show of it.

And a good time was had by all.
Lot's of great food and Joan even made a cake for her own birthday.



Joan, Kumi, Sheila, and Annie all turned 29 again.. and they were sooooo excited about it. At some point, friends remember your birthday just to be passive-aggresive assholes, I think.
(I have issued a death threat if anyone gets me anything or throws a party for my birthday. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!)

We also did our usual "steal or pick" gift exchange. The climbing calander and video reached the maximum steal value. The "Chocolate Fountain" suffered a shocking lack of popularity. If I didn't live in a trailer, it would be mine! Who doesn't need a fountain that spews chocolate.
Seriously.

BTW

The accident waiting to happen known as my next door neighbor has finally moved.
She packed herself up and took off.

I no longer have to lay awake windy nights waiting for her camper top to fall and crush my propane tank and burn me alive.

Now, I just have to lay awake windy nights worrying about trees falling through my trailer and smashing my head.

Or cars spinning out of control on Lake City Way and barrelling over the embankment onto my trailer and smashing my head.

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.....

Starting off Right

I didn't have any blackeyed peas and cornbread on New Year's Day so I'm kind of asking for it.
Hopefully, pizza and Patron are acceptable substitutes cos that's what we had.

Steve, Sue, Josh, and I spent the day at Steven's. Shelly sadly had a headache and couldn't join us (she's really banking on Chinese New Year to change her mojo anyway, but she was missed.)

It wasn't a bluebell day but it was mostly clear and crisp. Not too many people.

Josh has been telemarking exactly two days and is already faster than me. I really hate him sometimes.
And now that Spanky has his new board, he's beating me back to the lift most of the time, too. I'm running out of excuses for why it takes me so long.
1- Some rookie cut me off.
2- Had to stop to tighten my bindings.
3- Got lost.
4- Got a phone call.
5- Dropped my flask.

If anyone has any ideas, send me a PM.

At least, when Josh telemarks, he gets tired faster. He and Sue were gonna head back at 4 and me and the Spankster were going to try to go bell to bell. Nine to Ten. Imagine our surprise when they stuck a CLOSED sign on Skyline at exactly 4:01! Fucking Hell, you're kidding me. It's a goddamn holiday!




So that was a wrap for all of us. Sue leads the way so far with six days in the snow so far. Steve and I are right behind with five a piece.

The one week countdown to Whistler begins NOW!

Is it fucking 2008 already!?

Surest sign that your getting old when time flys by like this.

Sue had Josh, Shelly, and I over for New Year's Eve.
Couldn't go too crazy, though, cos we were going to Steven's Pass for New Year's Day.
Resolved to celebrate at 12:00 Eastern Standard time. (Yet another sign of progressing age!)
But we got carried away playing Apples to Apples, eating sweets, and drinking cheap champagne.
Rescheduled to Central Standard time.
Almost made it to Mountain Standard time but the 6 a.m. wake up call started looming large. I still had to charge my shuffle and funnel Patron into a water bottle!


Almost made it out unscathed. What's this kissing tradition anyway!?

New Years Resolution:
Don't tell anyone else about my aversion to physical intimacy. It just makes them more determined.