Mission Accomplished

Yeah, I know that's corny and obvious but I just can't resist.

East coast West coast worldwide
All my playas in the hood stay fly.
And if your ballin let me hear you say right, right?

That was my second choice. You, know cos went to the eastside. Get it? No. That's what I was worried about.

First, Steve was early. In the parking lot at 5:40. (I'll let that sink in a few moments.)




I'd like to think that he has embraced punctuallity as a way of life just because it is the right thing to do. But I think he is just fearful of a meltdown. It's saddens me that my dearest friends alter their normal behavior out of fear. But, word, I'll take it. We were in the Mission Ridge parking lot by 8:15. We had time to futz and use the bathroom (remember, no stops when Steve is driving!) and still get in line for the first lift up.
I must admit, the bottom of the mountain did not inspire awe. The parking lot was bare of snow and looked to have been that way for a while. The area around the main lodge and ticket booth- bare dirt. I had to set my board on bare dirt!
So we head up and things start looking more promising. When we pop off at the Liberator (an ancient quad rescued from Colorado) we knew this was going to be a good day. Get halfway up the Liberator- perfectly groomed spring snow, blue runs as far as the eyes could see- and I'm rethinking that Steven's Pass season pass purchase (it is only another half an hour, after all.) Get to the top (no, I'm not finished)- Boom- Stuart in your face. Glacier, Rainier, and the gorge inthe backround.
High alpine fantasy come true.
We were strangers in a strange land, however. Most people there seemed to have known each other for a long time and owned their ski outfits for even longer. They weren't intimdated by my obvious playa status and gave us helpful though unsolicitated beta. They do things a little differently there. No slaves to fashion or obsessions with safety. One trail went directly under a ginormous choss cliff that intermittently spit schrapnel. Lots of pine and spruce, sometimes in the middle of the run.

Steve granted a brief respite for lunch. Midway lodge is a cute little shack right beside the Liberator. It has a deck where they bbq and lure you in with the smell of cooking meat. Twenty minutes and we're back out. More sunscreen. Oh, did I mention it was a beautiful fucking day. Blue sky and blinding sunshine. The only reason I kept my shell on was to hold my shuffle and camera.
Late in the day the snow started to get a little slow but we still shut the place down. Headed back to the Westside with a brief stop at the Twin Pines Drive In and Trailer Park (where I would be thrilled to be a resident the minute they get their own Bone Marrow Transplant lab.) Installed in the trailer by 8 and asleep by 8:10. And I still have the whole weekend!

Mission

Steve and I are headed to Mission tomorrow for full on Spring riding.
Sue generously gave SK her free expo ticket since she can't be bothered to roll out of bed in time to get there.

New place. Kind of scary. Where is everything? How steep is it? Am I gonna get lost and die? Do they have good burgers and fries? (like Steve will let me stop for lunch!)All serious questions to be answered tomorrow.

But what weighs on my mind is what are we gonna talk about for 3 plus hours on the way over there. This is not exactly Steve's best part of the day.
0.5-0.75 hours mocking Sue
0.25-0.5 hours discussing Steve's over training
0.25 hours discussing my under training and being fat
0.25 hours wondering if we'll be able to follow Josh's routes this year

And that covers it. He can't converse on America's Next Top Model and I have no idea what's going on with the viaduct. Not much happening in free agency and neither of us are really invested in March Madness. He's old school punk and new school angst and I'm country and hip hop. I'm intellectually lazy and he over analyzes everything.
Glad we got him a shuffle for his birthday.

The way back will be easy. Discuss every run, jump, chair lift,.. etc. Compare and contrast with Stevens, Baker, Whistler. How honest are we gonna be about how good/bad it was? These things take time.

Well, I'll just get my board waxed and read the paper (not just the sports) and hope for the best.

Sentimenal Education- Part 2

It would take alot to extract me from my beloved land yacht... but this little shack might do it (as long as I could park the airstream near by.)

Even though I am already mourning the end of ski season (pathetically holding on by shopping for other peoples' gear and encouraging others to buy season passes (Steven's pass should offer me a job)), the indigenous FL white trash in me always secretly longs for the white sand, blue water, salty sea breeze warm days of my youth. Hold the farmer tanned rednecks and tacky condos, please.
Operating on Southern Standard Time. Eating ice cream (fast cos it melts!) Complaining about the heat everyday from April 1st to mid November (it's not the heat, you know, it's the humidity!) Shorts, flip-flops, and iced tea (NOT INSTANT!) I was not bred for this fast-paced rat race that is the Clinical Immunogenetics Lab. Seriously.

I'm supposed to be hosing the salt off of fishing yachts and scrubbing skid marks off of the deck until it's mojito time. Not rocketing down mountain slopes and thrutching my fat ass up rock corners while saving lives and advancing knowledge.
It's just not right.

Ok, this one is good...and very accurate!

Your results:
You are Hulk

Hulk 75% Green Lantern 70% The Flash 55% Spider-Man 50% Batman 45% Catwoman 45% Supergirl 40% Wonder Woman 40% Robin 35% Iron Man 35% Superman 30%

You are a wanderer with amazing strength.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

It was me, Beyotch!

"I admit the deed! Tear up the planks! Here, here!

If you suckers are wondering who the asshat was that beat you to the first tracks in a foot of powder on Aquarius then you can stop fucking wondering. It was me!

Yeah. And after I tracked that run up, I went to Skid Row and did the same damn thing. (Hog's Back was closed and most poor bastards didn't know you could get to the backside and Tye Mill on Double Diamond.) Don't hate the playa, yo. Sue and I ruined several runs then hooked up with Shelly on Daisy. She had gotten some longer skis and wasn't feelin' it. I rode goofy a while and did ok. Can't link turns smoothly but I didn't fall either (that came after lunch!)
We went to the lodge for provisions and had rib plates. Kind of odd to watch people in puffy jackets and ski goggles cook bbq. Sue and I got drunk on Chardonnay and blush. We embarrassed Shelly.
Shelly ditched us and went and got some better skis.
Sue and I took our drunk asses to the terrain park and competed for the meat chucker award. I think I won (just on sheer number of falls) but Sue took a good one after a rather stylish jump. Someone called one of us a douchbag. Maybe he knew about the backside. Or maybe one of us cut him off-- either way, fuck you too!
We closed down Steven's once again, and another enviable day (you know who you are) in the books.

Tool

Etymology
Old English tōl

Noun
Singular
tool
Plural
tools

tool
-A mechanical device intended to make a task easier.
-Equipment used in a profession, e.g., tools of the trade.
-(slang) A complete idiot.
-(slang) Penis.
-(slang) A person who uncritically supports and assists established authority. See sellout.
-(slang) By association, any contemptible, inadequate, or unpleasant person.
-(slang) A person who is used in relationships for reasons other than love.

Goddamnit! Fucking figure it out! TOOL TOOL TOOL!

Can't say this at work. Can't say this to someone who I have to ask to cover me when I'm gone snowboarding. There are alot of people that are in serious trouble if I'm diagnosed with terminal cancer. Their only hope is that I will be so concerned about myself that I'll forget about choking the shit out of them. If they are banking on me having an epiphany or gaining a deeper understanding when sqaurely faced with my own mortality or some shit like that they are likely to be unpleasantly surprised.

Dumb dumb dumb.... but not surprising.

Your Political Profile:

Overall: 20% Conservative, 80% Liberal Social Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal Personal Responsibility: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal Fiscal Issues: 25% Conservative, 75% Liberal Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal Defense and Crime: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal

How Liberal Or Conservative Are You?

It's all about money money money

I'm willing' to do what it takes, whatever the stakes in order to get myself some dollar bills. Man, I gotta earn for a living, ain't nobody giving me nothing find something I love to do.
Hmm, what about that pimpin'? It's good tipping, tax free, and I know a lot of people that love to screw. Yeah, it's just a way of the world, with boys and girls I'm adjusting to my environment. Why can't work feel like retirement?

Note: One of my co-workers is accessorizing today with a beanie baby sheep in his front pocket. I really don't know what else to say about that. I waffle between thinking it's funny and being very afraid.

Note: I wish I had remembered to bring the rest of my giant oatmeal cream pie.

Additionally: I would really like to be at Mt. Baker today.

Movie Review: Flushed Away

Singing Slugs, toad mimes, and a welcome but curious absence of turds and toilet paper. I liked this a whole lot more than I thought I would. Not a fan of poo humor. Not a fan of love stories. BIG fan of French amphibious assassins. I, unlike Roddy, would've chosen the lonely life of gilded cages and mute friends over a bunch of sewer rats and psychotic toads but that's me. Opps, spoiler alert.

Shelly, Josh and I watched this on St. Patty's Day at Sue's with our Bangers and Mash and Guinness. Ok, I didn't have any Guinness. But I did have the world's largest oatmeal cream pie.

And a good time was had by all...

Last Monday Josh informs us that it is going to be 65 and sunny at Vantage this weekend and ski season is over and we are going climbing and that's that. So Sunday, Steve, Shelly, Josh and I load up in the Maxima and headed east; leaving all trad gear and Sickly Sue in Seattle. Everyone gets in their allotted leads and Josh gets "milage" on 10 b's and c's. Steve, of coarse, had to be berated and belittled up Desert Shield and Uprising. Then proclaimed Uprising as the best line in the park (partly, I think because he lead it in style and partly cos I cussed and whined when I followed.) I led the 5.5 chimney for the umpteenth time, but the urine at the bottom bumped it up a grade, so I'm solidly leading 5.6 for the third year in a row.
Aside from some slightly annoying frat & sorority kids with a cool dog who liked to smoke and belay at the same time and yell "DUDE" alot, it was a perfect day at our favorite outdoor gym.

No trip to Vantage would be complete w/o the stop at DQ in Ellensburg (solidly manned by three people.) So we had plenty of time for photo op's with the bucking bronco (weight limit= 35 pounds, oops!) Cheeseburgers and blizzards for everyone. Then an uneventful but educational (who knew Irving had written anything besides "Cider House Rules"?) ride home. Everyone but Josh gazing wistfully at the stationary lifts at the pass.

SURPRISE!

Spring pulled off the often impossible. A big surprise party. At least twenty people made it to Spring and Tao's before he got home and waited in the upstairs bedroom. Then Spring fed him some line about a broken pipe in the upstairs bathroom. He came up to check it out and there we were. Ha ha! Another dozen or so arrived a bit late and were surprised by the birthday boy himself, who took great pleasure in meeting them at the door and returning the favor.
Tao is the last to join the ranks of the 30 year olds and we are, to say the least, relieved.
Spring's Mom, who's visiting, made some dishes. Supplemented by S & T's favorite Chinese takeout (the chicken was fucking amazing!) And, of coarse, pizza and chips and beer and soda (Nathan went crazy with the coke (a-cola.))
Joan, maker of desert, brought three cakes. The half the sugar one was good, but it really didn't stand a chance against the one with frosting. That's never gonna be a fair fight.
I am, as many of you know, extremely cliquish so I didn't talk to anyone I didn't know unless tactically unable to avoid them. I would preferably hear Steve spew the same climbing beta a hundred times then subject myself to the chatter of an unknown individual. "Rather to bear those ills we have than to fly to others we know not of."

See ya!

Yo. It's 11:00 and I'm done. Cos I'm fucking efficient. Like a machine. (Acutally, Chuck is the machine but only with counting.) Ha ha. I know you hate to hear that. Suckers! Think I'll go to the gym. Wash clothes. Watch videos. Shop for great boards that Steve won't buy. Whatever. I can do all these things cos I have plenty of time.
If I was a betting woman though, I wouldn't put my money on anything but a nap. Cos I'm also fucking lazy!
See you slaves later!

Lay low

As Shelly pointed out, this is an inauspicous day. If it starts to storm, go home. There's no reason to chance it. Drive carefully. Watch your back. Don't panic, but be alert.
Chuck, Gina, and I are going to lunch at Paddy Coynes and I'm already thinking about how many street crossings there are. Think I'll skip the usual gin & tonic and stick with diet coke.
Kind of surprised Shelly elected to go climbing tonight but we'll just have to remember to check knots and avoid pendulums. Leading is, of coarse, out of the question.

Anais Nin

"We are like sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image we long for, need, love or desire, often against reality, against their benefit, and always, in the end, a disappointment, because it does not fit them."
(I need to photocopy this and tape it to the back of the driver's side visor....both sides.)

"Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death."


"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."
(You might need alot of courage if you are married to two men at the same time and they don't know it!)

Nothing to see here.

Back to saving lives and advancing knowledge. Ho-hum. It's not sexy but it's important to some people. That's what I keep telling myself anyway. Plus, I get a lot of vacation! But there are alot of stupid lazy people here. I'm not talking about the people who have cancer. They can be as lazy as they like. They can get in my way, take the elevator down one floor, stand in front of the elevator and look in their purse and let the doors close, take fifteen minutes to put cream in their coffee and put the lid on, talk too loud, and take two free doughnuts instead of the allotted one. They can do all that cos they have cancer.
But you lazy motherfuckers walking around with a badge better pull your head out of your ass. Cos one day I'm coming in with a heavy backpack and long coat and you're all gonna pay!

And the skies parted.... again!

"I must be in the front row!"
So were on the way up to Steven's on Monday for Steve's B-day and things aren't looking good. It's intermittently raining. It's 40 degrees. The cashier at the Chevron points this out when I go in to get a lift ticket. She looks dubious when I insist on purchasing it anyway. We are the SECOND car in the parking lot. The attendant at the Steven's ticket window pokes her head out to remind us that we can get our money back within the hour if we can't take the conditions.
And then... it stops raining and we proceed to have the 2nd best day of skiiing this year. Soft snow, sunny, and warm. Shelly got another private lesson. We yelled at her from the chairlift (classy, I know.) And Steve, Sue, and I shredded, raced, threw each other in the snow and generally behaved like a bunch of spoiled rich kids whose parents rented out the ski resort for them. Josh would have been appalled. Good thing he had to work.

We forced Steve to come in for lunch. Visibly pained, he relented. Pizza, salad, wine, beer, and cake. 40 minutes and he was back out there.


Headed home. I drove. Sue snored. Shelly and Steve talked politics. Then we picked up Josh and went to Las Margaritas where we all splurged and got ...... DIET COKES!

And the skies parted...

So Josh and I did our good deed of the month and got up at 4 or something ridiculous on Sunday to go teach Rock 1 in Spanaway. Fully expecting, of coarse, to get drenched all day long without interuption. Not one drop. Couldn't believe it! Overall a decent day. Saw Walt (serious yet witty as always), taunted John (who turns fifty today!), and chitchated with Jim (who will flirt with almost anyone!)
The rest of the instructors I was stuck with were a bunch of tools so that kind of sucked. And one snotty basic (bitch, if you weren't fucking taking forever to shake your ass up there, I wouldn't be spewing beta!) But it didn't dampen my spirits. Still schooled 'em by styling the chimmney stemming the aretes!

Stella!..... I mean Stellar!

Suck it up, baby! I just forwarded this photo to the SPD. Proof positve of sucking on stolen property! If only I had a video of the violent assault by which that dum dum was obtained! I 'm gonna look for the number of that FBI agent who interviewed me for Shelly's backround check and Ms.Thing will be going to work on Aurora!

Anyway. Steve's pre birthday bash is in the books and a good time was had by all. He moved into modern music listening times with the aquistion of the shuffle and a deluxe carrying case.
Pizza was fabo. Shelly brought super disco cupcakes (I met the man). Joan brougt HOMEMADE lemon bars! There was, of coarse, beer and wine and lots of climbing beta. John stopped by (long time no see!) Bruce took time off from rehab and polishing his woods to grace us with his presence. Nathan was happy to tell John how heinous Outer Space is and that he should definatly do it (oh, BTW Nathan, sorry for bailing on you.)

Like a Dog

I'll say it again... working for a living is hard on me. Especially all of a sudden; no easing into it. This is three days straight. It's harsh. Good thing I'm giving myself a four day weekend (three day, really, since I'm teaching at Rock 1.) Mission Ridge tomorrow (cross your fingers) and Steven's Monday for Stefan's bday.

Party.


Yes, that's right. It's SBK's birthday week. Festivities starting tonight at Stellar's pizza! Then I assume he will alternate between sleeping and overtraining all weekend. Monday (actual spawn date) he's stuck with the girls for boarding on Monday. I'm going to make a point of standing very close to him all day in my badass getup! Making sure everyone knows we're tight! Happy Birthday, indeed.

A Day in the Life... Tuesday.

1-Wake up at 5:30. Lay there for an hour. Get up and turn on espresso maker. Rub aspercream on inner thighs (lunges and hip abductors on Sunday... and I'm still sore. SAD!) Make soy mocha and egg sandwich.

2-Cruise to work. Can see Olympics and Ranier. Never take that for granted.

3-Work my ass of for 8 whole hours! Can you believe it?

4-Go home. Go to bed (it's 4.) But Sue wakes me up and I go over there and we have Safeway chicken and vegies. We then watched "Stranger than Fiction". I hate hate hate Will Ferrell but Emma Thompson trumps his mojo. Queen Latifa also helps. Dustin Hoffman doesn't hurt. I liked it.

5-Go home again. Go to bed again (it's 8:30.) But not before more aspercream on the thighs and ass.

It has come this....

Almighty God:
The Old Testament Psalmist tells us that you it is who makes the snow to fall upon the earth. Many of us, your children, Lord, see your awesome majesty in your snow- covered creation. With all humility of heart, we earnestly beseech you, Gracious God, to grant us more opportunities to contemplate the loveliness of your gift of beautiful snow. Especially now that my shit is fully pimped out. We ask this in the names of Jesus, our risen Lord and Savior, whom lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirt, one God, now and forever. Amen.

Pimp my Ride- Part 2 or I got the Magic Stick

And I'll show you magic.
What? What?
Magic

I have you up early in the mornin, moanin
Get the position down pat, then it's time to switch
Tonight's the night, you can fall in love
You can call your mama right now, tell her you met a thug
I pop a lot of shit cause I can back it up
My left stroke's the death stroke
HAVE THAT ASS TRICKIN AFTER ONE BACK SHOT!

Sunday- Part 3

Hey guess where I am.
I just realized I've been using alot of CAPS lately. But, you know, alot has been going on. Explosions get CAPS. The Natural throwing down gets CAPS.
Well, I got no more caps. This is not a caps weekend for dana. Sue, Shelly, and I did have fun at the outlet mall yesterday. I got some jeans, a cool shirt I could stick my nano in.... if I had a nano, and a surprise to be revealed later in photodocumentation. And then we watched half of Brazil. And then I basically went home and went to bed. lame. Oh, I did watch "Vernon, FL" again. What can I say? I was feeling sentimental. (It's an Erroll Morris documentary about inbreed white trash in the FL panhandle.) My people.

Now I'm going to the gym. After which I will probably go eat. After which I will probably take a 16 hour nap.
Hey it can't be all ghetto fabulous all the time.

I also need to figure out a way to pay penance to the snow gods so they will once again look kindly on me a drop some snow on the passess. Snow level 7500'! Yikes. It can't be over yet. I haven't been able to show off my new look. You'll see.

HE DiD IT!

Thank you thank you thank you, Randy!
I have been waiting in vain so long for someone to get rid of that dumbass pro-war Jesus freak Tim Sylvia. I'm sure we haven't seen the last of him, but at least I don't have to see that goofball walk around with his belt all the time. Besides, I love love love Randy. Who doen't and why not? Classy guy... with killer abs. And he kicks ass. Literally. Held him down like a bitch and pummeled him. Randy style, yeeeaahh. What a pimp! Let's see those abs again. And give me a badass cage look.

FIRE! FIRE!

Well, I took the exploding trailer as a sign to err on the side of caution and decided not to go boarding today. Just came to work. The news crews were there till eleven last night. WTF? Six hours to cover an exploding fifth wheel.
I've now told the whole story about a dozen times. Really trying to resist embellishment. Which is actually easy since it was pretty spectacular on it's own.

I'm pretty much starting over on the OCD tract. Turned off everything. Hot water, heater, unplugged my sonicare. Hopefully, I will make a quick recovery. The tap cold water will freeze your hands. It's at least comforting that someone just fucked up. Note to self: Don't hire some gomer to fix stuff.

SEE!

I'm not paranoid! It can happen. Leave your trailer (or not) and KABOOM! it can just explode and be gone!
I heard the whole thing. Apparently, the lady in trailer #1 (the one with the hottub) hired some plumber (of questionable talents) who cut a gas line in her trailer. One would think at this point he or she would rush outside to turn of the 100 gallon propane tank. No. He went out to get a part to fix it. The pilot on the stove ignited and blew her out of the trailer. She survived! It sounded like a small car had landed on top of my trailer and I'm at least 50 feet away. That thing went up like a match. You won't see me in the video footage cos I'm running down Lake City Way screaming, "TURN AROUND AND RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" The flames were at least 40 feet high and swirling. Did I mention the 100 gallon gas tank attached to the goddamn trailer? Can't believe that didn't blow. Oh, the hottub is fine too.

So when the flames were brought under control by the five firetrucks, I came back to the park and gaped with the rest of the residents. Very disturbing the high percentage of my neighbors who are missing teeth. One, who I have never seen, sidles up to me and exclaims, "That scared the pooh out of me! I was just about to light up a joint and that thing goes off!" Oh boy. All illusions gone. It's not just a joke anymore... I am trailer trash.

Two helicopters, four photographers, one news van, and a bunch of firehoses blocked the exit to the trailer park. Had to rush to meet Steve at VW at 7. Except I didn't meet Steve at VW. He called at 6:55 saying he hadn't left yet. Motherfucker. Spanky is soooooo lucky he's sick and it's almost his birthday. Cos I still know where he lives. AND I HAVE A KEY!

Worker bee- Part 2

Ok. I'm really busy today. The dreaded survey is here. This is like the field goal that wins or loses the game. One shot. Except it takes all damn day. Plus, I have to do all of tomorrow's work today so Sue and I can go to Mission Ridge tomorrow. Phew.
Got here at 7 and making good progress. Fuck ASHI for sending it today though cos, of coarse, MR got 9 inches of dry powder TODAY. Fucking hell.
The long and short of it is.... probably pretty quiet on the blog today. So get those lists going, you maggots.

Just a reminder.

I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE!
Pull your head out of your ass, for god's sake!
No, I am absolutely fucking not planning everyfuckingthing around you so you don't have to be inconvienienced. If you would stop all that goddamn bellyaching for a fucking change something might actually go your way. Stupid stupid stupid people.
Six billion of us. I'm supposed to account for your sorry ass. Wake up and get the fuck out of my way.... dumbass!
(Note for all you sensitive motherfuckers, if you are reading this, I'm probably not talking about you.)