Shelly- Closet Egomaniac

Last night, Shelly, Bruce, Steve, and I went to Ski Fever (ski expo) to shop and get free lift tickets and swag. No significant purchases but got us excited for the season. Almost got Bruce into some skis but he does have a Mexico trip coming up and green fees every weekend (fucking golfers.)

Then we went next door to Jimmie's to get drunk. Had meat and fried vegetables and a few shots of Patron (butterfingers Bruce dropped his Cabo Wabo on the first try but shook it off and completed the next two.) At this point Shelly starts talking shit. She insists that if the situation called for it, she could kick my ass.
She is wiley she says. This wiley factor apparently figures large in her mind. Forget that I'm taller, heavier, wider, have an above average tolerance to pain and I'm prone to fits of destructive rage. You'd think that she would just let me have this one.
She's younger, prettier, smarter, etc, etc, etc....
Let me have this one. This small something. At least admit that I could hypothetically kick your ass.... which I could by the way.
Seriously.

Movie Review: Into the Wild

When I finished reading the book, I was one of those assholes that put it down and said, "What a fucking idiot!"
When the movie was over, I was one of those assholes that said, "Why are they making a movie about this fucking idiot?!"
Seriously, the only reason this is even a story is because of the bus. Without the bus you've got nothing. This idiot has to spend a few days in the wild for reals and he either dies and is never found or he turns around and goes home.
And how the fuck did that bus get there anyway? That's the story. That's what I want to know.

But a lot of people are impressed by this kid. What gives?

Your dad is a prick so you give away your money and live like a bum an do stupid stuff and quote Thoreau and suddenly you're better and smarter than everyone?
You live in a cave in Mexico for a month and you think you're tough?
He wasn't the first and won't be the last to be served a big fat piece of humble pie courtesy of the Great Northwest.

Besides arrogance and youth, his other problem is a lop sided education. He spent his time reading Thoreau, Tolstoy, and Jack London.
Where's the Bertrand Russell?! Where's the Shakespeare?!
Even the comedies will teach you the one thing you absolutely need to know.

It's not 'if' something will go wrong... it's 'when'.

Truth will not keep you warm and beauty won't satisfy hunger. Oh, and you might need a map and compass to find freedom, asshat!

It's not bad luck when a piano falls on someone's head and kills them.
They're lucky to have made it that far!
Disaster is waiting for you around the corner, you don't need bother going to find it.


All that aside... it's a good movie to see at the theater cos the scenery is spectacular.

Bowling with the Boys

Friday, Steve, Bruce, and I went to the super trendy Matador in West Seattle for some drinks and quesadillas. Tried some different silver tequillas but none as good as Patron. Moral learned: stick with what you know!

Then we walked to the not so super trendy West Seattle Bowl.

Aside: I love bowling shoes! I would wear them all the time if I could. Where do you buy bowling shoes? These even have fluourescent green stitching - same color as the highlights on Seahawks jerseys. I need these shoes.

Anyway, I didn't even really try the first game and I won. I could tell if I kept this up, it would demoralize the boys. So I progressively slacked off. Steve showed more ball handling skillz and took the last three games. The commish came in second in overall scoring and a good time was had by all.

A LOIN bowling night is in the works. Stay tuned!

Shelly-Patron Saint of Football Tickets

Shelly is the bestest.
She got cheap tickets for the Hawks vs. Rams and she is taking yours truly.
Why?
You'll have to ask her.
I'm so excited! (sing song)

We are going to sit in the rain with our burgers and garlic fries and $5 sodas and $10 beers and watch the Seahawks generously give another team their first win by not running the ball and letting Marc Bulger throw at will - thereby dooming the Hawk's season and guaranteeing my first FF loss. It's going to be great!

Extra added bonus....we're going to the gift shop to get jerseys to wear. I'm gonna get Walter Jones! Which will mean he goes down in the first with a career ending knee injury.

Then Shelly and I both get food poisoning from the burgers.

I dedicate this post to Shelly by outlining the worst possible scenario while still maintaining nervous optimism.

Two Things-

I was just reading the Seattle PI and two stories concerned me.

1- Huge windstorm on Thursday. That fucking campertop monstrosity is still next to me and still looks unstable in all the wrong places. She decorated for Halloween. Made a big spiderweb (like 6 feet across) and strung lights around her sewer hose (nice.) I'm like, Honey, spend your free time making sure that piece of shit you live in doesn't fall on mine!

2- A woman was arrested in Ohio or somewhere for swearing at her overflowing toilet. She was given a citation for cussing in her own home. An off duty cop heard her from the window and called the police! The article didn't print what she said but it couldn't be worse than the tongue lashing I gave #16 Liquid Nitrogen freezer when the lid fell on my head. Good thing my co-workers aren't prone to calling the fuzz (the was some property damage inflicted, as well.)

...

I spent 2 hours at work dispensing brown liquid from small bottles into even smaller tubes and then freezing them for future use. The rest of the time I did nothing.
That's why I make the big bucks!
Haven't had one of those unsupervised 'do nothing' days for a while (I wouldn't characterize the last several weeks as busy but I had things to do... or people were watching, one of the two.)

Just me and Olga hanging in Serology today. We caught up on our rants then extolled the virtues of Old Navy, Ebay, and L'Occitane.

Now I'm sweating out the results of my FF game. I'm done but my opponent is slowing encroaching on my slim lead with the Giants defense. It doesn't look good for the Trailer Park Explosions.
That's all I'm going to say about that cos my sister thinks I talk too much about football these days. She could be right. Maybe I should start a separate FF blog to spare those who could give a shit.

The Trailer Park Explosion page. Hmmm. I could talk about my team and also document real trailer explosions all over the country. I bet there's lots!

I'm half heartedly considering going to the gym. I don't feel like it but I am fat so...
Steve bailed on climbing tonight. That's what happens when you get into a relationship, even a pretend one. After a while, the magic fades and all of a sudden he's too tired to climb. Sigh.

I got a bad feeling about this one.

You: "You say that every week."
Me: "No, I'm serious this time."
You: "He doesn't even have a kicker!"
Me: "Ok, I know I said I would never talk shit about kickers again.... but who gives a fuck about a fucking kicker!? I've got some serious matchup problems here. I've got two players (ahem Terrell, Shaun) that need to man up, seriously!
You: "STFU and stop whining. It's just FF."
Me: Whimper "Come on T.O."

Bar Hopping the Methow

Our goal was simple.
See all Sunday NFL games.
Another early start.

First stop, Twisp Brewpub. Nice place, only one TV. We would have to settle ourselves with watching the hated Pittsburg Steelers pummel the Hawks. At least the breakfast was good. Steak and egg burrito with french toast. And a bloody mary, obviously.

Hoping to shake off the bad mojo, we moved on to the saloon in Winthrop. I switched to gin and tonics. Most of the players on my fantasy team played on Monday, so I watched as my oppenent slowly racked up 80 points to my 26. I ordered more drinks. Steve was obviously going to win but he kept whining anyway. I hypocritically told him to STFU, which drew stares from the family with young children.

Where to watch the late game?
Lightbulb.
Let's go up to Sun Mountain and pretend we're staying there.
I'm idea person (planning and follow thru...not so much.) I have alot of ideas. But this turned out to be the best fucking idea I've had in a year. Better even than... than... ok I can't really think of anything, but it was pimp.


They were watching baseball in the lounge so the bartender suggested we go to the TV room. We had it all to ourselves! We ordered drinks and a burger and they brought them to us even though we were obviously trespassers! It was sweet! Watching Madden and Michaels, sipping wine and beer, and looking down over the valley just like the rich people. Unlike rich people, I had snuck in Patron in a Talking Rain bottle, so I intermittently stole limes from the bar and we took a shot every time Madden looked like he was going to have a heart attack, which is pretty often. Greg Jennings (one of my WR) came thru nicely with 14 points. We really warmed up to our interloper status and took over the game room as well.



Steve may suck at leg wrestling but his ping pong skillz are undeniable. He really knows how to handle his balls. Although, you can clearly see he is cheating in the pic by hiding the ball during the serve. He won all three games. He almost beat me at foosball too but I made a furious comeback by randomly twirling the rods really fast.

Nothing like driving down a really dark, winding, steep road after several shots of tequilla. I managed. I probably burned it off with the ping pong. That's what I told myself.

Ride the Methow- Part 2

Saturday.
Ride day.
Steve and I have been wringing our hands about how early we have to get up and how cold it's going to be (it was 30 Friday morning.) All our worrying for nothing. It was brisk but sunny. After tying his previous record for # of times you can change your mind about the same thing, Stevus decides to ride the Century over Loup Loup Pass. I ride the 70 mile ride down to Carlton and back and up Sun Mountain. I watched each and every mile go by on my odometer. By the end, I was watching every tenth of a mile. We both survived. I won a pair of pink flowery socks at the raffle. Steve got shutout.

Another high calorie meal earned. Pizza this time- extra cheese.
It's only ten but we're both worked. No Patron, no movies, no dancing.
We have to save our strength (and livers) for the tough day ahead.

Ride the Methow- Part 1

I hope you appreciate the fact that I break up these stories for the attention span impaired.

Steve (my PBF) and I went over to Winthrop this past weekend to attend their annual cycling fest. I like to do long rides. I'm into it, but it's not my thing, per se. Well, it is Steve's thing. If I had a nickel for every time I've heard "I'm gonna be late cos I've got to get a bike ride in...."
Geek.

As you can tell by this pic, you can get your green card, you can even get naturalized, you can wear deodorant, but you'll always be a European at heart. What's this thing against matching clothes? Anyway.

Uneventful ride over. Four hours. We have a cozy cabin by lake a few miles out of town. It's cool. I get the single bed cos that's what I'm used to. He gets the double. There's a bunch of people there at the campground who race these miniature boats. People. They're the worst.

We get up late Friday. Have breakfast. Our waitress is a current or former meth addict (you can tell by the teeth.) We ride up to Mazama against a 100 mph headwind. Big fun. It's enough to earn a high calorie dinner at The Duck. Too tired for a movie or Patron.

Weak.

I'm turning into a lazy fuck!

And a drunk obviously.
Can't be bothered to blog.
Fantasy football takes up all my time lately.
I wish I would just lose already so I can stop thinking about it.
But even then I probably wouldn't. I just fucking love football.

Anyway. I'm hanging at the pub under Honey Bear Bakery. Getting drunk and blogging. I only have to drive a mile home so I should be ok.

Went to see "Enjoy". Ski porn. And when I saw ski porn, I'm mean ski porn. Not one goddamn snowboarder. What the fuck is that all about? 50% of the people out on the slopes are snowboarders and these fucktards make an hour and a half movie with just skiers. I'm not prejudiced. I like watching skiers do cool tricks. But where are my people?! That's just bullshit! They (and when I say they, I mean them, the skiers) have some kind of strangle hold on the film industry and they are so fucking insecure about how fucking gay they look compared to snowboarders that they have to shut us out of their pussy ass movies.

But I'm not prejudiced.

FF Week 5 Wrap-up

TPE vs. Magpies

A bird comes to rest on a make shift bamboo fence. The evening is quiet, now that the drunken argument next door has ended with a thud. Only the occasional passing car breaks the stillness. The bird looks this way and that and preens its feathers. If not for the acrid smell of sulphur that mysteriously grows stronger it would be a pleasant perch. Sulphur?....
KABOOM!
Ashes and singed feathers rise high into the night sky above the hot propane fed flames illuminating the trailer park.
I will never make fun of kickers again.

Corncob Justice vs. Extreme Fumbleitis

Injuries, bye weeks, and underachievers. At least the Mendoza line was never a question this week. Peyton maintains his composure as his team is rebuilt around him via frantic free agency. Fumbleitis uses savvy new acquisitions to get the win without the usual starters.

Giant Man Eating Squirrels vs. Little Eskimos


Squirrel management must be sleeping alot easier these days now that the running game has finally found its way; just in time, too, since Steve Smith now has no one to throw him the ball and Brett Farve has too many receivers. The effort was enough to hold of the cold, however, and that's all that matters. The Eskimos have a two headed monster at defense but can't survive an off week from Moss and the "kiss of death" they seem to have on RB's.

Uncle Rico vs. Goin Deep

Rico sweated the bye week of Palmer/Johnson for naught. The replacements held their own against the Deep in a nail biter. Larry "I got my money" Johnson and Santonio " I stubbed my toe in warm ups" Holmes better find a comfortable place on the bench.

No time to blog....

So here's the bunny with a pancake on its head.